Blood and Bones: Mix 5

I’m back with another playlist of songs that I’m jamming hard to! Some are new(ish), some have been around forever. It’s not the most cohesive list, but they all make me crank up the volume!

  1. Halfway Right – Linkin Park (“All you said to do was slow down, but I was already gone…”)
  2. Reflections* – Lucidious (I’ve got to have a Lucidious song on here–I’m convinced he’s me in rapper-form: “I ask myself would I write this shit if nobody loved it?”)
  3. Hostage – Griffin Oskar (the chorus gets me belting it out like “‘Cause love don’t wanna let me leave AND-I’M-A-HOSTAGE!”)
  4. BKCBD* – The Blancos (“And we don’t know who we are, just Broken Kids Chasing Broken Dreams”)
  5. Someone to Rely On – John Allred (from the first strum, this song *feels* as reliable as the title implies. Definitely a song for every couple I’ve ever written, but especially fits for my future piratey story)
  6. Play That Song – Train (so the melody of this song is totally “borrowed” from Heart and Soul by Hoagie Carmichael, which is my #1 song for my WWII series I’ve been working on, which immediately made me love it. That it’s so peppy and fun only makes it better)
  7. Old Town Road (Remix) – Lil Nas X, Billy Ray Cyrus (this one just makes me think of the OBC–my husband’s friends from business school)
  8. Secrets – Tribe Society (this song is really badass, and one I’m definitely saving for some powerful, dark character someday)
  9. bury a friend – Billie Eilish (another fun one to bounce along to, with a kind of dark twist. Also works for Solvi heading into Book 2)
  10. Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi (this song gives me all the feels. Also perfect for my pirate story, but could fit Einar/Solvi, too…)
  11. Never Really Over – Katy Perry (I *adore* this song. Every shift in the music is amazing, and I love bopping around to the “just-because-it’s-over-doesn’t-mean-it’s-really-over…” part)

Like I said, it’s a weird mix, but if you’re interested in listening to the entire playlist, you can find it here.

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My Neighbors Might Hate Me (alternatively titled: Dammit)

I’m probably annoying my neighbors. I’ve discovered after switching through what felt like every playlist Spotify offers, I keep landing on their Pop Punk Powerhouse playlist for cleaning/cooking/packing. All the songs are nostalgic and catchy and angsty, and I love adding my voice—loudly and off-key. I can’t help screaming along with “Until the Day I Die” or belting out “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” in a way that’s becoming increasingly less-ironic with each play.

Ok, fine, it was never ironic. I loved the All-American Rejects and Simple Plan and Green Day way back in middle school, and I loved them in college, and I love them now. And since I’m anxious about moving, and sad about leaving St. Louis, and missing my husband, I think I’m allowed to be a little emo and find comfort in the whiny pop-punk classics of my youth. At least my neighbors have been alerted to the fact that “The Kids Aren’t Alright” in this apartment.

In the words of Blink-182: Well, I guess this is growing up…

Blood and Bones Mix 4

Here’s my first playlist of 2019! Most of these songs carried over from last year, and I’ll be honest, a lot of them relate in some way to my writing. Still, they’re all pretty fantastic!

  1. Play with Fire (feat. Yacht Money) – Sam Tinnesz (this one is just a badass sounding song…kind of makes me think of my MCs at the end of their story. And I love Yacht Money’s part.)
  2. Unspoken – Welshly Arms (also a Solvi/Einar song, just a lovely, lyrical love song that’s got an intangible sad note underscoring it)
  3. Dance with Darkness – Skrizzly Adams (really fun beat, a great tequila-dance-party song)
  4. Resurrect Me – Skrizzly Adams (ok, I’m pretty obsessed with Skrizzly Adams in general. This one is empowering — and makes me think of my male MC Einar)
  5. *Infinity – Niykee Heaton (a strong yet sad yet hopeful love-song — I’m beginning to see a theme — this one makes me think of my female MC Solvi) [PS this one has F-bombs]
  6. Tusk and Bone – Shaman’s Harvest (the voices get down into my bones — even if it’s on in the background and I’m not paying attention to lyrics, I can *feel* this song)
  7. Silence – Gavin Mikhail (“I found peace in your violence…” these lyrics are so great)
  8. Better Than the Pain (Acoustic) – The Woodlands (Solvi/Einar song, another sad love song…)
  9. Leavin’ – Wildling (I love the jaunty beat and how peppy the sound is when the lyrics are all ‘eff you I’m out’ — btw there’s no swearing, that’s just the vibe)
  10. Happy to Be Here – Julien Baker (this one puts some of the worst things I’ve felt into poetry and makes me feel seen/understood/less alone in the darkness that settles sometimes)

The whole playlist is here on YouTube.

Blood and Bones Mix 3

I may be hard at work typing my heart out, but there’s always time for music. I wouldn’t get through most days without it, let alone 30 days of isolation-style writing. So here it is. Back at it with my most recent mixtape list:

  1. Let’s Be Still – The Head and the Heart (One of the loveliest time-out-from-real-life songs I’ve ever heard)
  2. On the Line – Night Riots (My NaNoWriMo 2018 kick-off song! “Digging dreams out of the fire, feeling the doubt getting tighter, no backing down, take me higher!”)
  3. Unholy War – Jacob Banks
  4. *Starboy – The Weeknd, Daft Punk (for better or worse, this is now the song to celebrate my first draft of the Blood and Water manuscript–I just kept saying “look what I’ve done!” to the tune, which had to be followed by “I’m a muthafckn starboy!” PS those are pretty much the only lyrics I understand which makes me feel super-old but it doesn’t stop me from loving the beat)
  5. Stomp Me Out – Bryce Fox
  6. Smoked Out of Heaven – Saint Claire (“All of those tiny hollows”…Possibly my favorite song ever. Broken and beautiful and so poetic…and, not that this will mean anything to anyone but my mom–yet–but it is also a perfect song for my main character towards the end of Book 1/start of Book 2)
  7. The Sound of Silence – Disturbed (sorry Simon & Garfunkel, this version gives me chills every time)
  8. Come Follow Me Down – George Taylor (Fun fact: this music video has snakes in it, so now we’re all stuck waiting until enough time has passed for the video to end before I click back into YouTube to look for the next video…)
    snakes
  9. Bury Me Face Down – grandson
  10. Gladiator – Zayde Wølf (find me a better pump-up song, I dare you!)
  11. Marble Floors – Vian Izak, Through Juniper Vale (oh, the whimsy)
  12. Demons – Jacob Lee

You can find the full YouTube list here. If you missed my previous playlists and are interested, you can find Mix 1 here and Mix 2 here.

I’m Me

I’ve had a hard week or two. Nothing super-awful — I gave a presentation for the first time in WAY too many years and to say I was a bit rusty is an understatement. I had such uncomfortable, panicky anxiety building up to it (and I pretty much panic-blacked-out during it)… and I think some residual anxiety stuck around even afterwards because I’ve been catastrophizing all week. I kept waking up from stress dreams and fighting off panic attacks for smaller events coming up.

I know therapy works because I was able to acknowledge my anxious feelings. I was brave enough to sit with the gut-punched sickness and explore the lies swelling my heart. I could even follow the feelings back to the first few times I ever felt similarly, to the heart of the anxiety and understand it in a way I never have.

That in itself is a huge, amazing thing I would not have been able to do at this time two years ago.

Usually, when I start to get really anxious, I ask myself what’s the worst that could happen? This is a really stupid question, because practically — logically — the WORST ending would be death, or getting fired, or something equally dramatic.

Image result for or worse expelled gif

So another thing I realized is I’m not anxious about the worst happening — I’m anxious about the let downs. The discomfort of disappointing someone. Of being seen as a failure. Inside my anxiety, that scenario is worse than death or losing my job or getting salmonella poisoning (which was another small concern this week after a kitchen mishap that led to me ingesting a microscopic amount of raw chicken).

But this time, not only could I half-encourage myself with such mantras as “I’ll survive” or “it will be ok”, I realized I am prepared if the “worst” should happen and I disappoint someone. I have been through this feeling before — and I have let people down in the past. And even if worse came to “worst” and I received a public dressing-down, I know how to pretend I’m fine until I reach the safety of my car or my home or my husband’s arms.

My mental processing — and the anxiety that feeds off it — may not be completely healthy or “normal”, but I am growing. And I found such comfort in being able to see how far I’ve come.

That is a whole lot more background than I initially intended to give for this post; I meant to just say ‘hey, I’ve been a little stressed, here are some tunes that help me’…but that’s the way life goes. If you can relate at all — or anytime you need a little “I am awesome” pick-me-up — maybe you’ll find one of these helpful.

  1. I’m Me – Us The Duo (to remind me I’m pretty great just the way I am)
  2. Who You Are – Madilyn Bailey (best line: “It’s okay not to be okay.”)
  3. Out of Hell – Skillet (this is the best song to tequila-tipsy-jump-around to…or blast in the car and shout-sing out the anxious feelings)
  4. Still I Fly – Roadtrip Romance (most uplifting part: “gotta learn to grow, watch me as I touch the sky…”)
  5. Me Too – Meghan Trainor  (between the sassy beat and the confidence-oozing lyrics, this song is a surefire ego-booster — I don’t care how overplayed it might be)
  6. *Control – Halsey (on the flip side, this one gets me angry at my fears and reminds me “I’m meaner than my demons”)
  7. Unsteady / So Alive – Haley Klinkhammer (This combines two great songs into one that resonates so powerfully with me)
  8. Bird Set Free – Sia (the whole chorus is so beautiful and another powerful thing to belt out)
  9. *You Don’t Own Me – Grace, G-Eazy (Another song that both pumps up the ego and gets me a little angry at the feelings trying to hold me down)
  10. *I’m Ready – Niykee Heaton (favorite part: “over trembling floors, I’m steady. But they’ve written my death already so many times, but this fire won’t die.”)

The whole playlist can be found on YouTube here, or if you’re *really* interested, you can follow my playlist I Am Enough on Spotify for approximately 90 songs of ego-boosting reminders that I am enough just as I am.

What’s you’re favorite pick-me-up song?